In one of my previous blogs, I noted how stress takes a physical toll on me as opposed to a mental or emotional one. It’s been a pretty hectic semester for me. Alongside 18 hours of school, I am also trying to take the GRE and apply for grad school, apply for internships for New York next semester, directing the music videos for Uproar, and working on more than one of my fellow FDM majors films on the weekends. Needless to say I’ve been pretty busy. Last week, I realized that I was having trouble taking deep breathes. This is a symptom I’ve had before when I was subconsciously overwhelmed. When I realized what was happening, I got frustrated. I have always liked being busy because it keeps me focused and helps me refrain from sitting around watching movies all day, so I didn’t understand why this semester in particular I would be experiencing stress related symptoms. Then, I read this line in the Gita, “The awakened sages call a person wise when all his undertakings are free from anxiety about results.”
I’m not stressed because I’m busy. I’m stressed because I’m afraid of failing. I have more obligations, decisions about my future, and people relying on me than I have ever experienced before. I’m afraid that I won’t get into grad school, and that I will be the first person to ever not get an internship in the New York program. I am afraid that one of my videos will receive poor reviews from my cohorts in the film program. Most importantly, I fear the shame and embarrassment that I know I should experience should any of these events actually occur.
I love that Krishna does not encourage Arjuna to stop working, but rather to change his purpose for doing this work. If my purpose is to be selfless, whether or not I achieve or don’t achieve any of these things will no longer matter, and I will be able to breathe again because the source of the stress will dwindle away as I learn to actually live out this sentiment.
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