"Waking" Part 3 Body Memories

What struck me most about this section was the guilt that Matt’s body memories unleashed.  

The idea of body memories is interesting in its own regard.  I can’t say I have experienced one as powerful as Matt has, but I wanted to understand it.  So, I tried to come up with an experience I had that I thought might be somewhat similar.  

I played organized basketball for over half of my life.  It was hard when I came to Baylor because choosing to come here did not just meant choosing to not play the game anymore, it meant facing the fact that the sport had become my identity, and I was choosing to learn how to rebuild it.  

The first time I breathed the cold air of that first fall semester here at Baylor, I felt it.  A random rush of excitement and nostalgia for which I could not account.  I continued to walk to my class, and decided it was just because I was looking forward to the cold weather.  As I was walking, one of Baylor’s shuttles passed me, and I was struck with the smell of exhaust.  A powerful sensation overtook me.  I felt like I was back in high school, dressed in sweatpants to block the first biting winds of Texas winter while waiting by one of our ridiculously old buses to take me to my first game of the season.

This sensation still happens to me with every first cold day of the year. 

I realize this seems like a trifle example compared to Matt’s descriptions, but it helps me to grasp what exactly Matt is describing: the idea that our bodies live on without our conscious aid.  

I did not ask my body to bank a physical account of what I felt on those days, nor did Matt ask his body to record his.  However, the sensation is more real than any one-dimensional memory I have.  This realization holds the answer to why such sensations would awaken guilt in Matt.  Our bodies work hard towards life.  They desire more than anything to survive, and yet we fight against them.  We desert them, mistreat them, and most importantly, take them for granted.  I’ve read Grey’s Anatomy.  I know (although admittedly don’t completely understand) how complex the workings of a single cell are, let alone that of an entire human body.  I have a fully functioning, healthy, and active body, and yet I hardly ever pay any attention to it.  Despite that fact it keeps me alive on a daily basis.

Matt was distraught by the thought that all of those years his body desperately wanted to live as a whole unit, that it had even saved memories that would be used for his emotional healing as well, but he had given up on it.  He had silenced his body’s attempt to be healed.  What’s incredible to me is after all of those years of trauma and neglect, his body was ready and willing to work with him once again.  

Knowing Matt’s hard work and strong connection to the life his body brings him through his sensations brings me my own form or shame for never stopping to think just how amazing that is and how much I take for granted.